Have you ever had a weekend full of fun and happiness, and yet you sit at the end of the time feeling empty? It is a feeling I have often, though I hate to admit it. I am surrounded by people who love me. I have a home and a job and a car. I am better off than so many others because of these three things. I have two daughters that I adore. The loneliness still comes. The fear of the endless night, the lack of having something to hold to.
I bought tickets to the Broadway touring company of the Lion King months ago as a Christmas present, and last Thursday was finally the day to have the experience with my daughters. It was all I could have ever wished for, and then some. The amazing experience of watching a show like that come alive is phenomenal now, just as it was 20 years ago when I first got to see it on Broadway. Seeing it with young children is actually one of my favorite moments, from the time I went with my nephew who was five, now 18, to now, when I attended with both of my fantastic girls.
This time, I was struck by the themes of loneliness and remembering who you are. Simba had run away from who he was, but was still haunted by the loneliness that he felt after losing his father. I love the song that he sings about the night ending, and the sun rising. I often remind myself of that, a truth spoken both in the Lion King and Les Miserables, as well as countless other shows, I am certain.
Near my home is an amusement park called Lagoon, and this is the third year my daughters and I have gotten passes for the summer season. It is a nice way to spend a Saturday, letting the girls ride rides while I mostly watch from the sidelines. Yes, I do join in with a few of the rides, as I enjoy a good roller coaster. I also enjoy being around different people, seeing them interact, seeing the different families and groups. I like being reminded that there are people who are in many different walks of life, many different ways of surviving, and one way is not necessarily the only way to be.
I do this because I find that I feel bad that my life did not turn out as expected. I did not think I would be taking children alone to see shows. I did not think I would be taking them alone to amusement parks. I did not think I would spend my days and nights working to support them. Somehow I thought it would all be different.
I am not sure I would change it, though. I like who I am now. I like where I live. I like my children and I like who they are becoming. Would they become who they are without the experiences we have all had? Would Simba have been who he is without working with Timon and Pumba to develop his personality, and without experiencing the loss of his father? Would Nala have been as brave if she had not faced the devastation of her land? I do not think I would be who I am if I had not had the experiences I have face. So, while I do not relish the tragedy, I am glad I am who I am. Which is not something I have been able to say with any sort of truth behind it until recently. I have spent much of my life frustrated that I had not lived up to some ideal that was slightly beyond my capabilities. I am glad I am learning to let go.
Next I need to grow stronger in learning to be alone. It is ok to be with only oneself for company. Something I did not believe for many years. I now believe it, however I am still working on the active practice of it. I am better than I once was, but I still have room to gain comfort and strength in knowing that I truly am enough, all by myself.
I bought tickets to the Broadway touring company of the Lion King months ago as a Christmas present, and last Thursday was finally the day to have the experience with my daughters. It was all I could have ever wished for, and then some. The amazing experience of watching a show like that come alive is phenomenal now, just as it was 20 years ago when I first got to see it on Broadway. Seeing it with young children is actually one of my favorite moments, from the time I went with my nephew who was five, now 18, to now, when I attended with both of my fantastic girls.
This time, I was struck by the themes of loneliness and remembering who you are. Simba had run away from who he was, but was still haunted by the loneliness that he felt after losing his father. I love the song that he sings about the night ending, and the sun rising. I often remind myself of that, a truth spoken both in the Lion King and Les Miserables, as well as countless other shows, I am certain.
Near my home is an amusement park called Lagoon, and this is the third year my daughters and I have gotten passes for the summer season. It is a nice way to spend a Saturday, letting the girls ride rides while I mostly watch from the sidelines. Yes, I do join in with a few of the rides, as I enjoy a good roller coaster. I also enjoy being around different people, seeing them interact, seeing the different families and groups. I like being reminded that there are people who are in many different walks of life, many different ways of surviving, and one way is not necessarily the only way to be.
I do this because I find that I feel bad that my life did not turn out as expected. I did not think I would be taking children alone to see shows. I did not think I would be taking them alone to amusement parks. I did not think I would spend my days and nights working to support them. Somehow I thought it would all be different.
I am not sure I would change it, though. I like who I am now. I like where I live. I like my children and I like who they are becoming. Would they become who they are without the experiences we have all had? Would Simba have been who he is without working with Timon and Pumba to develop his personality, and without experiencing the loss of his father? Would Nala have been as brave if she had not faced the devastation of her land? I do not think I would be who I am if I had not had the experiences I have face. So, while I do not relish the tragedy, I am glad I am who I am. Which is not something I have been able to say with any sort of truth behind it until recently. I have spent much of my life frustrated that I had not lived up to some ideal that was slightly beyond my capabilities. I am glad I am learning to let go.
Next I need to grow stronger in learning to be alone. It is ok to be with only oneself for company. Something I did not believe for many years. I now believe it, however I am still working on the active practice of it. I am better than I once was, but I still have room to gain comfort and strength in knowing that I truly am enough, all by myself.
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