I took time off from blogging. I am certain there were many people crying silently into their pillows because of the definite loss that they felt when they no longer read my writing on a semi-frequent basis. I am offering my deepest apologies to all five of you. I had to focus instead on the little matter of getting married, and also finishing my PhD. One of those things was infinitely more difficult than the other.
All of my life, well, at least since junior high school, I have harbored a dream of getting a doctorate degree. I love school. I love learning. I love writing papers. I know what an absolute nerd this makes me. I don't really care. Life and difficulties all got in the way, and now, a few weeks before my 40th birthday, which happens to be tomorrow, I finally finished this goal that I told myself about when I was 12.
Part of the reason I wanted to do this was because I learned that for many generations, women could not go to higher education. That we were considered too delicate, or not intelligent enough, or perhaps not really needed in academia. This did not sit well with my young mind. As I went through the rest of my life, my passion for this only increased. Having daughter's solidified my desire and my passion to get through this and get that creditial attached to my name.
Acheiving a goal is an interesting phenomena. I can say that when compared to all other intellectual challenges I have attempted, this was by far the most taxing. This is the one activity that I was ready to quit several different times. This one educational experience tore down my self-esteem almost as much as a failed marriage did. Not quite that bad, but it got close. So when I had the opportunity on April 9th to defend my dissertation and was given a successful outcome, feelings of relief, joy, and excitement flooded over me. As was to be expected. What happened after was far more telling, and quite a bit more difficult to process.
I have experienced a strong feeling of let down, loss of focus, and general feeling of "so what happens now?" Too much of my brain had been occupied with the idea of becoming Dr. Maren that I am now faced with what does it mean to be Dr. Maren. People have begun to ask me what my plans are now. Am I going to look for a new job? Write a book? Become a professor? Continue my research?
Never before have the words "I do not know" felt as embarrassing and hollow as they do right now. The truth is, that is exactly where I am at. A year ago I got married to a fantastic man, and we became a crazy family of 8 humans and a cat. Going from a small home of three humans and a cat has been challenging yet mostly fantastic for all of us. During that time I also delved into research about what it is like to resettle in the United States and look for work when you are forceably removed from your home. The stories I learned will inspire me and haunt me for the rest of my life. Of course, I have continued to work in my job, my awesome side gig as a theatre writer, and given my kids some great experiences, such as a family vacation to Minnesota and a mom and girls trip to NYC. I can say that the last 12 months have been both some of the most challenging, and yet the most rewarding time of my life. I have, to coin the millenial phrase, "lived my best life", though I missed out on the actual millenial label by about a year or so. But looming in front of me is the scary words "what next?"
I still don't know. I turn 40 tomorrow. My husband and I are going to be enchanted objects in a community production of Beauty and the Beast. I am going to a bunch of plays. I get to go to London for the first time. I am hoping to go back to New York in the Fall. Part of me still wants to change the world. Most of me sees the world is too vast for me to change it. So I will just keep waking up, seeing what tomorrow brings, and see if I can find my forward path. Any thoughts from the internet void? What is next for me? What is next for you?
All of my life, well, at least since junior high school, I have harbored a dream of getting a doctorate degree. I love school. I love learning. I love writing papers. I know what an absolute nerd this makes me. I don't really care. Life and difficulties all got in the way, and now, a few weeks before my 40th birthday, which happens to be tomorrow, I finally finished this goal that I told myself about when I was 12.
Part of the reason I wanted to do this was because I learned that for many generations, women could not go to higher education. That we were considered too delicate, or not intelligent enough, or perhaps not really needed in academia. This did not sit well with my young mind. As I went through the rest of my life, my passion for this only increased. Having daughter's solidified my desire and my passion to get through this and get that creditial attached to my name.
Acheiving a goal is an interesting phenomena. I can say that when compared to all other intellectual challenges I have attempted, this was by far the most taxing. This is the one activity that I was ready to quit several different times. This one educational experience tore down my self-esteem almost as much as a failed marriage did. Not quite that bad, but it got close. So when I had the opportunity on April 9th to defend my dissertation and was given a successful outcome, feelings of relief, joy, and excitement flooded over me. As was to be expected. What happened after was far more telling, and quite a bit more difficult to process.
I have experienced a strong feeling of let down, loss of focus, and general feeling of "so what happens now?" Too much of my brain had been occupied with the idea of becoming Dr. Maren that I am now faced with what does it mean to be Dr. Maren. People have begun to ask me what my plans are now. Am I going to look for a new job? Write a book? Become a professor? Continue my research?
Never before have the words "I do not know" felt as embarrassing and hollow as they do right now. The truth is, that is exactly where I am at. A year ago I got married to a fantastic man, and we became a crazy family of 8 humans and a cat. Going from a small home of three humans and a cat has been challenging yet mostly fantastic for all of us. During that time I also delved into research about what it is like to resettle in the United States and look for work when you are forceably removed from your home. The stories I learned will inspire me and haunt me for the rest of my life. Of course, I have continued to work in my job, my awesome side gig as a theatre writer, and given my kids some great experiences, such as a family vacation to Minnesota and a mom and girls trip to NYC. I can say that the last 12 months have been both some of the most challenging, and yet the most rewarding time of my life. I have, to coin the millenial phrase, "lived my best life", though I missed out on the actual millenial label by about a year or so. But looming in front of me is the scary words "what next?"
I still don't know. I turn 40 tomorrow. My husband and I are going to be enchanted objects in a community production of Beauty and the Beast. I am going to a bunch of plays. I get to go to London for the first time. I am hoping to go back to New York in the Fall. Part of me still wants to change the world. Most of me sees the world is too vast for me to change it. So I will just keep waking up, seeing what tomorrow brings, and see if I can find my forward path. Any thoughts from the internet void? What is next for me? What is next for you?
Figuring out what is next is the exciting part! Don’t be embarrassed by having to say you don’t know. The world is wide open to you. You are brilliant and dedicated to living a very full life, which you are most certainly doing!
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